5 Online Dating Mistakes Software Engineers Make (And How to Fix Them)
Software engineers and other technical professionals often approach online dating with the same logical mindset that serves them well in their careers. However, what works well in a work or academic context often translates poorly to romance. These are five common mistakes I see technical people make in their online dating profiles, as well as some straightforward solutions to address them.
1. Photos Are an Afterthought
This is probably the most common issue across all profiles. We all want people to see us for who we are on the inside, so it's tempting—especially for analytically-minded people—to not put much effort into photos. It can feel uncomfortable or vulnerable to put photos of yourself online, and honestly, a lot of people (particularly men) don't have many photos of themselves to choose from in the first place.
The problem gets worse when you don't know what's attractive about yourself, and the whole process of evaluating your physical appearance like a product can feel alienating and shallow. I completely understand why this feels off-putting.
However, here's the reality: photos are the first thing people see in your online dating profile. They're an honest signal of effort and how seriously you're taking the dating process. Good photos are an excellent way to convey something about your personality very quickly. And, ultimately, most people care at least a little about what their partners look like—getting this aspect sorted early makes it easier for you to find matches who are genuinely attracted to you.
The solution: You don't have to be a model, but you should have some nice, well-lit photos that clearly show your face and body. If you don't have many photos, ask a trusted friend to take a variety of photos of you in different places wearing different outfits. If you prefer, this is exactly the kind of service I provide! I'm happy to offer guidance on taking compelling photos that represent you well.
2. Your Profile Reads Like a List of References
A really common mistake is filling a huge portion of your online profile with lists of TV shows, movies, books, games, and podcasts you enjoy. I see profiles that are essentially: "I like The Expanse, Dune, Factorio, Critical Role, Serial..." and so on.
The problem is that this approach doesn't actually tell prospective partners much about your personality. If the person looking at your profile isn't familiar with the specific media you've listed, it doesn't convey any information at all. Plus, it uses up valuable profile space that could be used to show what's unique and interesting about you and let your strongest qualities shine through.
The solution: It's absolutely ok to mention a few media properties you're into—this can actually be a great starting point for conversations! But they should be things you're currently and actively interested in. If you find yourself listing books you last read in high school, take a step back.
Instead, think about what you're trying to communicate with these media references and say that directly. For example, instead of writing "Board Games: Innovation, Mysterium, Coup," try something like "A fun Friday night for me might involve playing tricky strategy games with a group of my close friends." This shows that you're social, enjoy intellectual challenges, and value your friendships; this is infinitely more informative than a game list.
3. You Believe That Hobbies = Compatibility
Related to the previous point, it's really common for technical people to use shared hobbies and media as a shibboleth for romantic compatibility. The thinking goes: if we both like the same obscure sci-fi series or play the same board games, we must be compatible.
While it's definitely fun to share a niche hobby with a partner, shared values and life goals are much more important for long-term compatibility.Also—and this is worth being honest about, especially for straight men—there are often gendered differences in interests and hobbies. Mathematically speaking, if you're determined to only date someone who's into Warhammer 40K, your dating pool will be significantly more limited.
The solution: Don't focus primarily on finding someone who likes all the same TV shows and videogames as you. Instead, think about what someone's interests and values represent about them as a person. A homebody who enjoys quiet nights crocheting might be very well-matched with a gamer who appreciates solo, calming games like Stardew Valley—both value peaceful downtime and creative expression. Meanwhile, a LARPer and a singer might both enjoy crowds, performing, and an active weekend social life, even though their specific hobbies are completely different.
4. You Focus Too Hard on Seeming Smart
In highly educated dating markets like Boston or San Francisco, there are a lot of really smart people. Intelligence is an important part of your personality, but it's not the *only* part of your personality. More importantly, it's not going to make you stand out in a crowd of other accomplished professionals.
Your intelligence should come out organically through your interests, career, and writing style. You don't have to force it by name-dropping complex topics or using unnecessarily technical language. Writing about esoteric subjects that aren't actually central to your personality can also seem disingenuous to readers, who can usually tell when someone is trying too hard to impress them.
I see profiles that mention quantum physics, advanced mathematics, or obscure philosophical concepts not because the person is genuinely passionate about these topics in their daily life, but because they think it makes them sound smarter. The result often feels forced and inauthentic.
The solution: It's not wrong to mention intellectual pursuits or smart topics, but if you find yourself including something for the sole purpose of seeming smart, remove it from your profile. Let your intelligence show naturally through thoughtful writing, genuine interests, and the work you do. Your intelligence will be obvious to the right people without you having to prove it explicitly.
5. Too Much Self-Deprecation
Related to the previous point, a lot of accomplished people try to make themselves seem less intimidating by making jokes at their own expense. The thinking is that a little self-deprecating humor will make you appear more approachable and humble.
However, someone who doesn't know you yet may feel uncomfortable about these jokes. It could make them feel like they have to comfort you or cheer you up, which isn't the dynamic you want with a potential romantic partner. They might feel responsible for reassuring you, which puts them in an awkward position right from the start.
Alternatively, they might not be 100% sure that you're actually joking. If you tell someone you're "terrible at everything" or "the worst person ever," they may wonder if you're being truthful about having serious self-esteem issues. Without knowing your personality and sense of humor, it's hard for them to distinguish jokes from genuine self-deprecation and actual self-doubt.
The solution: Limit self-deprecating jokes in your profile. At most, if it's genuinely part of your sense of humor, include maybe one funny, lighthearted quip. But try to avoid making these kinds of jokes during the very early dating stages, until the other person has a much better sense of who you are and can understand your humor in context. Save the self-deprecating humor for when you've established rapport and they know you well enough to understand that you're being playful, not genuinely insecure.
Final Thoughts
Remember, your technical background is actually an asset in dating—you're thoughtful, analytical, and capable of solving complex problems. The key is presenting yourself as a whole person with interests, values, and personality beyond just your professional skills. Focus on showing what makes you genuinely interesting and fun to be around, and the right matches will appreciate both your intelligence and everything else that makes you who you are.
Need help putting these tips into practice? I offer dating profile reviews and coaching specifically for analytical professionals. Book a free consultation at enchantedanalytics.com.
